Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?