Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Husband of the year 😂
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I just love that new Pope smell.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever