It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize