Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!