These are my emotional support Pringles.
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I’ve been learning to cook.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.