*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Cashiers are always checking me out
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
ACED my prostate exam!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
then why did i get this email
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.