My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.