Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Yoga Matt
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???