My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.