*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
fair
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
This classic never gets old . . .
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.