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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If only