My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Tremendous stuff
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!