My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …