My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
We’re all getting idioter.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.