“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions