The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
getting corrected
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.