My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.