Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.