Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah