Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
#growingpains
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms