Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right