Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Finally!
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t