Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty