COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You Might Also Like
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
X-tra spooky blend
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…