Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I don’t get marriage
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”