I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The happy life.. 😊
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
fourth time’s the charm
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.