Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
When someone says you are so lazy
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.