Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.