If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.