[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
You Might Also Like
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’