My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it