“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.