[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.