Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
You Might Also Like
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”