The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Our lord and savoury.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”