Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
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I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.