Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
A friend sent me this.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.