Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
nature’s most graceful animal
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.