If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”