CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
felt that
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty