Pandas 🐼🖤
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.