I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
You Might Also Like
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
i prefer mine room temperature.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what