Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!