[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.