ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I like crazy people until they notice me
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/