If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Oh yeah that’s it
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
💁🏻♂️
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic