I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok