[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Running from your problems is cardio .
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.