‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.