Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Brilliant!
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.